THE CHAMPION SNORER
From the “Burlington Hawkeye”
The CHAMPION SNORER, by an anonymous writer, taken from the Burlington Hawkeye.
It was the Cedar Rapids sleeper. Outside, it was as dark as the inside of an ink-bottle. In the sleeping car people slept. Or tried it.
Some of them slept like Christian men and women, peacefully, sweetly, and quietly.
Others slept like demons, malignantly, hideously, fiendishly, as though it was their mission to keep everybody else awake.
Of these the man in lower number three was the worst.
We never heard anything snore like him. It was the most systematic snoring that was ever done, even on one of these tournaments of snoring, a sleeping car. He didn\'t begin as soon as the lamps were turned down and everybody was in bed. O, no! There was more cold-blooded diabolism in his system than that. He waited until everybody had had a taste of sleep, just to see how nice and pleasant it was; and then he broke in on their slumbers like a winged, breathing demon, and they never knew what peace was again that night.
He started out with a terrific
“Gu-r-r-rt!”
that opened every eye in the car. We all hoped it was an accident, however; and, trusting that he wouldn\'t do it again, we all forgave him. Then he blasted our hopes and curdled the sweet serenity of our forgiveness by a long-drawn
“Gw-a-h-h-hah!”
that sounded too much like business to be accidental. Then every head in that sleepless sleeper was held off the pillow for a minute, waiting in breathless suspense to hear the worst; and the sleeper in “lower three” went on in long-drawn, regular cadences that indicated good staying qualities,
“Gwa-a-a-h! Gwa-a-a-h! Gahwayway! Gahway-wah! Gahwa-a-ah!”
Evidently it was going to last all night; and the weary heads dropped back on the sleepless pillows, and the swearing began. It mumbled along in low, muttering tones, like the distant echoes of a profane thunderstorm. Pretty soon “lower three” gave us a little variation. He shot off a spiteful
“Gwook!”
which sounded as though his nose had got mad at him and was going to strike. Then there was a pause, and we began to hope he had either awakened from sleep or strangled to death, —nobody cared very particularly which. But he disappointed everybody with a guttural
“Gurroch!”
Then he paused again for breath; and when he had accumulated enough for his purpose he resumed business with a stentorious
“Kowpff!”
that nearly shot the roof off the car. Then he went on playing such fantastic tricks with his nose, and breathing things that would make the immortal gods weep, if they did but hear him. It seemed an utter, preposterous impossibility that any human being could make the monstrous, hideous noises with its breathing machine that the fellow in “lower three” was making with his. He then ran through all the ranges of the nasal gamut; he went up and down a very chromatic scale of snores; he ran through intricate and fearful variations until it seemed that his nose must be out of joint in a thousand places. All the night and all the day through he told his story:
“Gawoh! gurrah! gu-r-r-! Kowpff! Gawaw-wah! gawah-hah! gwock! gwart! gwah-h-h-h woof!”
Just as the other passengers had consulted together how they might slay him, morning dawned, and “lower number three” awoke. Everybody watched the curtain to see what manner of man it was that made the sleeping car a pandemonium. Presently the toilet was completed, the curtains parted, and “lower number three” stood revealed. Great Heavens!
It was a fair young girl, with golden hair, and timid, pleading eyes, like a hunted fawn.
Notes
the Cedar Rapids sleeper, the train with sleepers, sleeping cars, running between Burlington, in southeast Iowa, and Cedar Rapids, in east Iowa. Iowa is one of the north central states of the United States of America.
demons, evil spirits.
malignantly, tending to do harm or to inflict suffering.
hideously, detestably, horribly; revoltingly.
fiendishly, wickedly or cruelly; diabolically.
mission, errand; message; task; duty.
lower number three, number three compartment, the lower sleeping berth.
snore, breathe deeply during sleep and making a rough, hoarse, vibratory noise.
a sleeping car is one of these tournaments of snoring because the passengers who are asleep seem to be trying to outsnore one another.
diabolism, action befitting the Devil; fiendishness; maliciousness.
winged, breathing demon. The Devil and his followers are pictured as having wings, because they were angels in heaven before they revolted against God and were kicked out of Heaven into Hell.
blasted, blighted; killed.
curdled, congealed; thickened; destroyed.
accidental, happening by chance; fortuitous.
cadences, rhythm; rhythmical flow or modulation of sound; intervals.
staying, enduring; lasting for a period of time.
profane, abusive; treating with disrespect, irreverence; blasphemous.
spiteful, malicious; showing ill will or malice.
strangled, choked to death by squeezing the throat.
guttural, vocal sounds made in the throat.
stentorious, loud; powerful.
fantastic, quaint; queer.
preposterous, contrary to nature, reason, or common sense; absurd;utterly and glaringly foolish.
ranges of the nasal gamut, all the notes that can be made through the nose.
chromatic scale, smaller intervals of the musical scale.
variations, changes; modifications.
pandemonium, abode or dwelling of devils; hell.
toilet, the act of dressing, including combing the hair and other necessary acts.
hunted fawn. She seemed to be as frightened as a deer that was being hunted.
Questions
1. Did this selection make you laugh? How often and why?
参考译文
【作品简介】
《呼噜王》，作者不详，选自《伯灵顿鹰眼报》。
这是一辆锡达拉皮兹卧铺车。外面黑得伸手不见五指，卧铺车厢里面，人们在睡觉，或者试图睡着。
有些人睡得像基督徒，平静、甜美，而且悄无声息。
另一些人则睡得像魔鬼，凶恶、丑陋，而且冷酷无情，好像要完成令他人彻夜不眠的使命。
这些人中，三号下铺那位是最糟糕的。
他的鼾声真是闻所未闻。即使是在像卧铺车这样呼噜锦标赛的宝地，这也是我们听过的最有条不紊的呼噜。大家还没关灯上床就寝，这边就开始鼾声大作。噢不！这家伙是更冷血的魔头。当所有人刚刚入眠正在品尝梦乡的甜美时，他破门而入，像一个张开双翼的活生生的魔鬼，让人整夜无法安宁。
他那响亮的“咕噜噜”的开场白让车厢中每一个人睁开双眼。但我们还指望这只是偶然，他不会再接再厉，那么还可以原谅。可接着他用一声悠长的“呱哈哈”的声浪摧毁了我们的希望，使那些饱含安宁善意的谅解顿时灰飞烟灭。听上去此人绝不会就此善罢甘休。每个无法入眠的人都抬高了头，足足有一分钟，大家悬着心屏息等待最糟的情况。三号下铺却开始一长串抑扬顿挫、品质稳定并且余音袅袅的呼噜声。
“咕哇——哈！咕哇——哈！咕哇——哈！咕哇——哈！”
很明显今夜他是打算没完没了的了。疲倦的人们倒向枕头却了无睡意，有人开始咒骂。低沉含混的喃喃自语像是遥远雷暴的回声。很快，三号下铺玩起了新花样。他突然吐出一声“咕呜——咔”，听上去好像他的鼻子要愤而罢工。然后他停顿了一下，在我们开始期望他要么睡醒，要么被勒死的时候——随便哪个都行——他带着喉音的一声“咕噜兮”让每个人都失望之极。
然后他停顿片刻，调整呼吸，厚积薄发地发出响亮的“咔——噗”，几乎把车厢顶都掀掉了。接着他继续用鼻子玩着各种匪夷所思的技巧，呼吸声惊天地泣鬼神，如果诸神能听到的话。任何人要用自己的呼吸器官发出像三号下铺这位仁兄用鼻子所发出的那种震天动地的可怕噪音几乎是不可能的。他在鼻腔各个部位游走，在鼾声的半音阶上下颤动；他穷尽各种微妙、令人生畏的变化，直到他的鼻子听上去应该早已脱节并散落一地。他就这样没日没夜地讲述自己的故事：“呱呜！呱啦！咕——！咔噗！嘎哇——哈！喔咔！喔特！喔——喔噗！”
正当其他乘客商量如何干掉这家伙的时候，拂晓来临，三号下铺终于醒了。每个人都盯着门帘，想看看把卧铺车厢搅成一锅粥的到底是何方神圣。梳洗完毕，门帘打开，“三号下铺”站在大家面前。老天爷！
那是个漂亮的年轻姑娘，金色的头发，羞怯恳求的目光，就像一只被追捕的小鹿。
（张萍 译）
